Below is a list of Graffiti City’s Top Ten Most Wanted Supervillains. If you have any information about the whereabouts of these dastardly devils, please contact Misty Mountain Tits at S.L.U.T. headquarters immediately. Your call might save someone’s life. Or at the very least, it might prevent the spread of a horrible sexually transmitted disease.
10. Peter Reems, aka Celibator
Last spotted at the scene of a robbery at the First National Bank. Unconfirmed whether the suspect is working with the League of Absolute Domination (L.O.A.D.), but he has been seen with the Jacker.
The suspect is about 6 feet, 8 inches tall with blond hair and a dimple in his right cheek. Last seen wearing a seersucker suit with a red bow tie and white Oxfords. Celibator is extremely strong. Proceed with caution.
9. Big Connie
Approximately 6 feet tall with short, dark hair, Big Connie usually dresses in a black and red cheerleader skirt. She has meaty hands that can inflict massive damage. As the goddess Ashtarte’s right-hand woman, Big Connie may be seen commanding Tartlets Bunny and Trixie. Do not engage.
Rumored to be a weremuskrat, Smoke has a salt-and-pepper beard and usually leaves a trail of water behind him. Often appears wearing old, tattered clothing. Smoke has the power to access and muddy memories. The confusion left in his wake has led to false arrests and misdirection for law enforcement.
7. Count Fappula
This twisted villain has robbed the Griffin City Biomedical Warehouse’s sperm donation center. His fetish involves coital fluid–male and female–and he’ll stop at nothing to get it. Fappula has razor-sharp teeth, wears a black cape with a red underside, and has been known to drain a man’s testicles dry in one bite. If you are bitten by Count Fappula, seek medical attention immediately. There is evidence to indicate exposure to his saliva may result in a dangerous transformation.
5-6 (tie). The Testicle Twins
Hellnut and Nadric Sachs are identical German twins with enormous, deadly testicles. These men are physically strong. Known “heavies” who work for the Legion of Absolute Domination, they are bald and bowlegged. Their skin is normally pink, but when agitated, it can shift to blue. They often carry shotguns. Beware!
4. Ashtarte, Goddess
Purportedly an owner/madame of The Balloon Knot Gentleman’s Club, Ashtarte is actually an ancient goddess. She has deep brown eyes and long black hair. Her large breasts can suffocate a man, and she’s not afraid to use them for expressly that purpose. Wanted for the mammary-inflicted murders of several politicians and possession of cocaine, Ashtarte is also believed to be a frequent user of the drug.
3. Rod Johnson, aka the Diddler
His tall, lean frame can be deceiving. The Diddler may look like a man, but he’s more machine. With light brown, disheveled hair and nuclear-green eyes, he is an amalgamation of spare parts, the worst of which is a bionic penis that leaves destruction in its wake. Do not engage with the Diddler–especially in a sexual way.
2. Paul Prettily, aka the Penist
Aside from his twenty-foot long penis, the Penist’s most notable trait is his taste in clothing. Usually seen wearing a seersucker suit, he also has a lisp. The Penist’s penis is prehensile and has the strength of a giant anaconda. Because his member can be deadly, S.L.U.T. strongly advises all citizens to steer clear.
1. The Jacker
His true identity is unknown, but it’s clear the Jacker is a major player in Graffiti City’s villainous hinterlands. He has the power to control semen and usually floats on a cloud of it six inches off the ground. Approximately 6 feet, 5 inches tall, the Jacker usually wears black leather pants, shirt, and a trench coat. He has dark skin and long, shaggy black hair down his his shoulders. This man is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. Do not approach under any circumstances.